Yes, crisis IS opportunity for change and maturation.  But we move through upheaval at our own pace and in our own way.  A skilled therapist meets you where you ARE, not where you SHOULD be.  And sometimes spiritual tools can be used as attempts to control and avoid painful emotions in ourselves and others.

Spiritual bypass is the use of positive thinking, meditation, prayer, metaphysical theory, etc. to bypass emotional reality.

In an attempt to cope with challenging emotions, spiritual bypass can be used to push away the bad and cling to the good.  The ‘good’ emotions (e.g. joy, love, hope, positivity, gratitude, etc.) are labelled as spiritual.  And the ‘bad’ (e.g. fear, grief, rage, judgement, pain, chaos, despair) are dismissed as failure, illusion, distraction, or hazards to avoid.  This leads to meditation, prayer, and contemplation practices which banish painful emotions into the shadow.  These unprocessed energies are then acted out unconsciously and cause further suffering.

The antidote to spiritual bypass is emotional mindfulness, non-dual perspective taking, and self-love.

An emotionally/spiritually balanced practice involves touching into each experience as it arises.  Emotion, even painful emotion, is met with a loving embrace that dissolves the need for dualistic labelling of good and bad.  It releases us from the neurotic need to judge and control our experience.  Pain, fear, and grief can then come to the surface to be made contact with, cared for, and ultimately released.

The integrated practitioner bridges the emotional with the spiritual.
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Transformational psychospiritual practice invites us to bring our uncomfortable, inconvenient, and painful emotions into contact with our spiritual world.   In this bridging we hope to receive assistance, understanding, and relief.  Can we really do this hard work alone?  And regardless of our spiritual path,  do we know how to bring the hard stuff to it?

“You have very little morally persuasive power with people who can feel your underlying contempt” Martin Luther King Jr.

​Contempt is a painful cocktail of anger, disgust, and grandiosity.  Within the seed of contempt lies the healthy desire to be seen, accepted, and valued.  It’s strategy for self-validation, however ineffective.  Contempt reacts to the expression of diverging voices with attempts to dismiss, invalidate, and even destroy.  It says “I want to be validated so badly that I’m willing to put a sour expression on my face, roll my eyes, attack and dismiss your ideas, and even challenge your worth as a human.”

Dismissive contempt is the most serious red flag a couple can wave.  It signals death unless heartfelt efforts are made to re-establish cohesion and care for the system.  As a couples therapist I aim to move each member beyond an endless cycle of attack, withdrawal, and retaliation.

Healing contempt in couples involves helping each partner manage emotional arousal, learn restraint to minimize further attack, solidify behavioral agreements, clarify purpose of the relationship, repair old wounds, build healthy esteem, check grandiosity, let go of need to be right and control the narrative, and regain a culture of mutual respect, cherishing, and generosity.
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Larger systems such as families, cultures, and nations also suffer from chronic patterns of contempt.  What if the most transformative action we can take as citizens is to stay engaged and express our truth without dumping more attack into the system?  Comparing the functioning of a couple to the functioning of our nation makes me wonder, what is the collective purpose of our nation?  Do we want to care for each other, even our chosen adversary?  Are we willing to transform this culture of contempt?